What the chef says vs. what the chef means

There might have been an occasion (or couple of them) when you had the privilege of listening to the almighty. And no, I'm not talking about god (or Morgan Freeman). Maybe at that point in your life you thought that what you heard was the same thing you understood. Chances are that it wasn't.

Regularly the common mortal cooks (and the service people) will listen to a chef's answer in the middle of a busy service and completely miss the intention of the message delivered. Here's a small compilation of common phrases and their real meaning.

1.- What the chef says: (to his cooks) I need table x in 5 minutes.

What the chef means: I need table x in 2 minutes.

2.- What the chef says: I need a day off.

What the chef means: I need a month away from this stupid people.

3.- What the waiter says: Table x is complaining that the chicken is taking too long.

What the chef says: The chicken needs to be well done.

What the chef means: You fucking idiot, I can't serve medium rare chicken. Wanna kill the customer? Better take a gun and pull the trigger at least he won't suffer.

4.- What the waiter says: Table x is asking where the seabass is from.

What the chef says: The seabass is from the south west pacific ocean.

What the chef means: It's from the fucking sea!

5.- What the chef says: I need a coffee, water and a panadol.

What the chef means: I got a massive hangover, give me a strong bloody mary.

6.- What the chef says: I can see that you're having issues understanding what I said.

What the chef means: You are retarded and I curse the day I let you in my kitchen.

7.- What the customer says: The welldone steak was too dry.

What the chef says: Well sir, i'm sorry you didn't fully enjoy your meal. Let me get you a complimentary dessert.

What the chef means: Next time order medium. Or medium well. Moron.

8.- What the chef says: I think I need a beer after work.

What the chef means: I'm gonna get wasted.

9.- What the chef says: Guys, clean as you go please.

What the chef means: This mess looks like a war zone.

10.- What the chef says: Has somebody seen my knife?

What the chef means: I'm gonna kill the fucker that touched my knife.

11.- What the chef says: We got a busy night. The restaurant is fully booked.

What the chef means: Do you smell that? That's fear.

12.- What the chef says: There's not a single booking tonight.

What the chef means: Deep cleaning day!